I mean, they do look kind of messy.
When my father died, I started baking a lot. People would come over to pay their condolences and I suppose I started baking so that we’d have something to offer them, that being the weird part of condolences, that those doing the grieving are also doing the hosting.
But then I started getting a little obsessed and I remember waking up earlier and earlier to start baking. I used to bake biscuits, all manner of biscuits, bringing dough together, kneading, stamping them out. Using my hands. I didn’t even use to eat them myself - my weight plummeted rather worryingly after my father passed away although at the time I considered this an inappropriate silver lining. My baking got to such levels of obsession that I even briefly started an online mail-order delivery service for them, selling them via my then-popular blog (popular enough that I got orders without needing to chase them! Imagine!). In the depths of loneliness and grief, I somehow got myself one of those council-approved certificates to bake from home with the Kitchen Aid mixer I spent most of one month’s monthly salary on (go figure). I baked in secret after work, sending lavender shortbread hearts out in pretty Kraft cardboard boxes tied up with ribbon. Never let it be said that I don’t run with an idea once it gets in my head.
Looking back though, I suppose it all gave me something to do, something else to think about. Something to make with my hands. Something that took me out of myself. I wonder too if it was also a way to offer my sadness on a plate to people, for when I couldn’t actually find the words to say: ‘I could do with a friend right now.’
This February half term, I’ve baked: maple and pecan loaf, brioche (in the bread maker, but still), chocolate chip cookies (twice), lemon curd almond cake, banana bread and, just now out the oven, a batch of brownies. Heck, I’m gluten free and I can’t (technically) even eat any of them (except for the lemon cake, which is amazing).
The thing is, I’m not sad about anything right now, I don’t think, and yet even so, baking has still somehow made me feel better.
But that said, it has been a long week, and there have still been lots of ups and downs, and February has been a long month even though it’s not a long month at all and yet somehow there’s still a week of it left to go. So if you need it, here are the best of the recipes that have got me through:
Chocolate chip cookies (these are just the best, we make them all the time - they work with gf flour too)
Lemon curd almond cake (pro tip: I skip the homemade lemon curd, and just use it out a jar!)
Enjoy,
With love,
Huma x
PS A flurry of paid subscribers this week! If that’s you - thank you! I feel very lucky that you are paying to read the thoughts that literally come out of my head as I type on the kitchen counter waiting for aforementioned brownies to cool. Part of me feels like I just want to feed you cake and insist you don’t have to pay me for anything. But on the other hand… writing is writing and I appreciate you being here in-between my books… So: Thank you. And for those of you who simply enjoy these honest heartfelt little missives, then it would be so lovely to have you similarly send a pledge my way if you wanted to show my writing, no matter how scrappy, your love and support x
PPS for anyone who might be feeling sad about their writing, then I made a thing. Come see. x